Christmas Music is Crap

             Perhaps I am grumpy and jaded before my time, but I was under the impression that like me, everyone hated Christmas music. Sure, they are fun and festive when you’re a kid and still all enthralled in the magic of Christmas, but I was sure that by the age of about 12 every kid grew up and realized it was mostly crap. The shopping malls of course spam the airwaves with endless Christmas drivel starting about October to drive us to eventually dig a little into our sense of good-heartedness and a lot more into our wallets and buy each other presents. As a student, the onslaught of Christmas music tends to be more of a wake up call that exams are coming up and you should really have started reading that book by now….

             The part I don’t understand is why pop artists insist on releasing versions of Christmas songs if everyone hates it. This Christmas Justin Bieber, Glee, Michael Buble, and Scott Weilland among others are releasing Christmas albums and if you look at the list of people who have released a Christmas songs or albums in the past it is an odd assortment of pretty much everyone, including oddities such as Twisted Sister, Bob Dylan, David Hasselhoff, The Brady Bunch, Regis Philbin and ‘desperate to be famous like her older sister’ Ali Logan (lesbianism and drugs might be a quicker way).

Very Wierd.....

  

           Now if I was a 14 year old girl in love with Justin Bieber (always a fun role playing situation) I don’t think I would find Christmas music cool. By association his Christmas releases probably wouldn’t excite me, and a whole album, titled ‘Under the Mistletoe’ seems excessive. And yet, anything by the Biebs will sell truckloads and that is probably the reason behind it (I’m willing to bet it wasn’t his idea).  Perhaps his record company has decided that those pesky writers are getting too much of the cut and wanted a release with material from the open public domain.

          Possibly the weirdest Christmas release of the year is ‘The most wonderful time of the year’ a throwback holiday release by none other than the infamous Scott Weiland. As if this wasn’t quite weird enough it has the oddest 50’s throwback music video you’re likely to see this holiday season. Best known as a heroin addict, Scott Weiland has also found time to be the voice of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver, two of the most recent debauched rock bands to stumble around the circuit. The change of image is jarring, and yet in a weird way his singing actually works reasonably well for the album. However, his ‘I hate everybody, this better sell’ look in the promo video gives the game away somewhat, and overall I’m not really convinced by this release.

From Scott Weilands new music video. And the winner
of 'saddest Christmas face of the year' is......

      
                   It has even been reported that next year even Meatloaf plans to release a Christmas album. If you don’t who Meatloaf is, he is a relentless American hard rock musician whose fairly operatic style actually led to more success over in Europe after a his album ‘Bat Out of Hell’ which has subsequently become one of the biggest selling albums in the world. His biggest hit is possibly the song ‘I would do anything for love (but I won’t do that)’, a song whose brilliance rests solely on the title; mostly because it offers hours of contemplation trying to decide what exactly he wouldn’t do (try it, it’s fun). Mr. Loaf genuinely gives the impression of being a down to earth, cool guy, and yet as ever I find it hard to reconcile the idea of a Christmas album, they just hardly ever seem genuine.

          The real problem with Christmas releases is that they always just seem like such a cash grab. They are easy to do, always end up selling a decent amount, often don’t require paying writer royalties and are just an easy way to make last quarter profits. The sentiment of Christmas just isn’t there. When I return to my family for Christmas we will probably play the wacky and oddly wonderful Disney’s Christmas as our soundtrack for the festivities as we have done for as long as I can remember and if anyone shows up with a copy of Under the Mistletoe or any other soulless piece of corporate Christmas crap it will most likely be thrown in the hearth to fuel our Christmas fire. Listening to Donald Duck quack along to the 12 days of Christmas has become something of a tradition, and so as Minnie Mouse so eloquently put it ‘Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night’.